Tuesday, October 6, 2009

thread of hope...

So it has been a while since I have posted an update...

It breaks my heart to write about Kiersten ... to call and have my phone calls ignored. The stress from this entire situation has caused health problems that have had me in and out of the doctor's office since May.

I can't handle looking at the notebook I was writing for Kiersten anymore, so I've started an entirely different notebook. This one is for all of my children, and I have started collecting little lessons I want them to know.

It's kind of interesting, I started that notebook because, at the time, we were waiting on results from an MRI ... my neurologist was sure I had a brain tumor because of all the different issues I was having. I was so afraid that I was going to have a brain tumor, and I wouldn't live through it. Leaving behind my babies without getting to teach them all sorts of things I have found essential to life scared me. I wanted a way to be able to teach them anyway, even if I wasn't here.

Thankfully, I do not have to worry about that right now ... but I've kept this journal going anyway. I write it in the hopes that Kiersten will see it one day. I pray everyday that she doesn't forget us ... this is my tiny thread of hope: she will become 18 one day and decide to look for her siblings. I have no hope she'll look for me because she is being told I am not her mommy, and I don't care about her. But I hope that she'll look for her siblings, and they will tell her how we prayed for her everyday at home and how I have these notebooks and journals that I wrote with her in mind.

Right now, my biggest heartbreak in this whole ordeal is Caelyn. Most children have an imaginary friend that goes everywhere with them - my 3yr old has decided that Kiersten is her imaginary friend. Caelyn pulls out a necklace or a doll and says that her Kiersten gave that to her. She talks to Kiersten's pictures on our wall and fridge. She tells Kiersten to come play on the trampolene with her ... share her bike ... have some of her icecream.

It has been 1yr 4mos 2wks 3days since I've seen Kiersten.
It has been 5mos 3wks 1day since I've talked to her.